An The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all....
She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married;
and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all....
Medicare pays $43 of it.
H/T Guy Bodere
Obama in Heaven
When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader. As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said??.....You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"
Maria, an Italian Virgin
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
H/T Guy Bodere
Geting a vasectomy
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.
Young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
What a great comeback to a typical, modern, politically correct idiot journalist.
Stupid Question... Excellent Answer!
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
3 New Navy Ships:
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective...
When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:
shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.
Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can
operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going
150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1)
set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton
'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while
holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely
solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or
one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be
launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
USS BARACK OBAMA
Details are vague.
But don't you worry..........he has a plan
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
A MATURE LADY
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
(H/T to Guy Bodere)
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC .
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
United Way realized that it had never received a donation from
President Obama trying to cash a check
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of Am ... Erica!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check"
Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
(H/T to Emery Dora)
(H/T to Attila Kovacs)
Two Coffees in Heaven!
(H/T to Attila Kovacs)
The Pope Visits Maine
(H/T to Joseph Novak)
Heaven and Hell
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
Why our country is in trouble?
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane?")
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.''
His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, I looked into it. (I was dying laughing.) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. An aide for Senator John Kerry (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from AL who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu LA Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a 'Rhino' anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the State of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
California vs. Arizona
Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi", get
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services
#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the
Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A
#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50
Any wonder why California is broke????
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer(cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
"In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."